He Saves Me From Myself

Friday night, we went to a play party to meet up with some friends and have a good time. We hadn’t been out in a while since I had some major divorce drama and Sir had that tooth issue.

I was already feeling myself that evening – I was wearing thigh high fishnets with faux garters, my Sally from Nightmare Before Christmas dress, hair and makeup done up, and low heels (I really don’t need the height). It started when Sir stopped at Sheetz for us to grab beverages and snacks for dinner. Walking from the car (can we mention how difficult it is to get out of a GTI in a short dress?) to the store had me feeling like a million bucks. I can tell you that I tend to not look around at times like this because I’m too shy to make eye contact with people for fear of what I’ll see in them. Disbelief, Judgement, Disgust… whatever. My brain is stupid. So I focused on getting what I needed and looked for Sir – my beacon of safety. I used the ATM and when I finished, the guy behind me was so close, I almost wonder if he was taking an up skirt photo or something. If he did, I kind of wish I could see it lol. So I walked back to Sir at the checkout counter, head high, hips swaying with eyes only for Him. I have a hard time expressing how much of a turn on it is for people to stare and watch me, knowing Sir is watching every single one of them and getting off on the fact that I am HIS. *swoon*

So we get to the play party. I finally get to meet Miss Luna. Sir has been mentoring her for a few months. She mentioned playing with Sir, to receive pain. It struck me as odd that He would have planned a scene with her but not told me about it. But I would wait until we were alone to ask. Miss Luna introduced Sir and I to her friends, and we sort of wandered around for a bit. Finally Sir and I had a moment alone, standing in each other’s arms like we were slow dancing. I asked Him to tell me in advance if He was planning to scene with someone at an event. It had my heart in knots to be so blunt about my needs and the way I was feeling. Sir softened in my embrace and explained that it was Luna voicing her hopefulness, but that He would talk to her about that. And just like that, I relaxed. Something I love about my relationship with Sir is that it was built on complete transparency. And while that was difficult to adapt to, and something I still struggle with (you’ll see later) that situation was a non-issue within minutes because I was able to communicate with Him. This situation would have ruined an evening for both of us in previous relationships. This night though, we talked it out, right there in the middle of the dungeon. And when it was over, we went to grab our play bag for our first scene of the evening.

I was nervous because I knew for a flogging, I would have to take my dress completely off. There would be no leaving it at my waist like the last time. Sir held me, whispering reassuring words, and reminding me how beautiful my body was, and that no one would be judging because they were about to be captivated by our scene. He cuffed my hands to the top of the cross. I’m tall enough that my hands could hold on to the top at the same time, comfortably. He began warming me up with caresses and the wooden serving spoon. The sting shocked me that time. It had been a while since we had done much impact or pain. But it wasn’t long before my skin was warm and I was arching my back and ass into his taps. I’m not entirely which floggers Sir used after that. The two I could identify were the heavy leather one, and the long braided flail type flogger. And I’m not entirely sure which order these experiences came in. Haha, yay for subspace!

The braided tail flail, I think of as the phoenix tail b/c it’s red-orang-yellow ombrĂ© colored, feels like curling fingers. The braid adds a texture and rub that smooth leather floggers don’t have. It’s harsher, and the tips look like little flames, which feel like finger nails in a way. In short, it’s not without pain. In fact when Sir puts enough power behind it, it feels like a combination of a cane/flogger. I remember at one point, the strands were wrapping around my ribcage from the front and I registered that Sir had to be standing nearby. My eyes fluttered open and I glimpsed Him watching me as he casually swung the flail across my back and shoulders. The exhibitionist inside me preened at being watched. (I found out later that there were in fact people watching, which is something I never expect as the participant in the scene…cuz like, I’m just me…)

Sir reads me like a book, but like any good Dom, He always checks in. “On a percentage score, how done are you?” He asked. I picked my head up from between the cross arms. “I’m not done. My fingers are numb though.” He laughed, and as He unhooked my hands, He told me to hug the cross, and not to move. I think it was then He switched to the heavy leather flogger. It was slow, rhythmic, and felt like soft caresses. Then *Whap*. A full swing of Sir’s arm, and it feels like a hundred leather strands instead of 50 or however many. Those hits on my back take my breath away, and leave invisible bruises.

Those same hits on my ass have much more sting than slap. They are usually accompanied by my ass tensing to get away. The rest of that scene I have to admit is a blur in terms of recollection. #subspacememoryloss.

A while later, we began a fire scene. It was the most relaxing fire-play we’ve had (at least for me). I knew people were watching and I was entirely focused on the sensations of the flame and Sir’s touch.

When the scene ended and Sir took care of me, the watchers began to engage in questions. (Sir says only one person tried to get his attention mid-scene this time…ugh). He asked me if I would mind Him doing a scene with Luna. We’d talked about it in the past, so I wasn’t surprised and I didn’t mind. Now most people in poly situations understand that just because you KNOW you have nothing to be jealous or concerned about, doesn’t mean the envy doesn’t exist. So I really had no idea how I was going to handle the situation. I knew I wouldn’t’ make a scene, but maybe it would affect me in a way I didn’t like. I watched for a while, walked a lap around the dungeon, and then came back to watch again. I watched my Dom smile with utter glee as He topped Luna using a tool He has always been fascinated with. It was exhilarating to see the happiness on His face and in the way He wielded the fire. I was beaming with pride in my Sir. When we left, I told Him, “When we get home I want your cock in my mouth.”

So naturally as we headed home, I was a great ball of horny energy. About an hour into the drive home, I asked “Sir, how distracted would you be if I edged in the car right now?” He glanced at me and said, “By all means, please do” with a laugh and a twinkle in His eye. I reclined the seat and propped my right leg up on the door cup holder, slowly touching myself for a few minutes, stopping, and then starting again. I didn’t want to cum yet, but a few times were particularly intense. I was vaguely aware that Sir turned on the passenger map light, illuminating my side of the car. Then it went off, and I forgot all about it as He rubbed my thigh.

Now, what I’m about to tell you is a bit hard to believe. In the time I’ve been with Sir, I can pretty much cum whenever He says to, save for clitoral O’s, which are rare for me anyway. So I had no illusions of having one of those orgasms, and any other time Sir has told me to cum, He was touching me somehow, or inside me. But there we were, in the car, and He said “Do it. Cum.” My pussy tightened and an orgasm I didn’t know I could have radiated through my core. Even my clit pulsed. It was open of the most intense orgasms I’ve ever had solo.

I won’t detail the rest of the evening because honestly I was kind of high and we were up laughing and teasing until 6:30 AM. But let me fast forward…

Saturday Night, 11 PM ish. I napped much of the afternoon out of exhaustion. Sir and I were watching TV, me at His feet. I could not sit still. I told Him I was antsy. I wanted to ask for play. I wanted to ask for a spanking, for Him to use me until I cried. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t ask Him. He was exhausted, mentally and physically. I knew asking would be selfish. Eventually He was on the bed with me, holding me, telling me we didn’t NEED to play and we were okay, and it was okay to just relax… and I began to cry. “But I WANT to”… “I know you do, but your Dominant is tired baby.”

And then it hit me. I wanted to play to keep the endorphin high going. I didn’t want to deal with sub-drop. (And boy, do Sir and I deal with drop… another post on that alone). I was trying to hide from dropping. As soon as I heard the tone in His voice – sad that I felt that way, but concerned at the same time, coupled with His tiredness and almost resignation – I began to cry. In essence, I triggered the drop I was so desperate to evade.

I began to cry harder, and between sniffles and sobs said “I’m sorry I’m so greedy”. How can I explain this since not all of you know me… I have an addictive personality. I have a history of drug abuse as well as other behaviors that were not exactly safe. BDSM is something of an addiction for me. I will push myself to the breaking point if left to my own devices. And I don’t mean just physically – I will break emotionally and spend who knows how long in sub drop depression until I get another fix. Sir can be the same way, but He has the life experience to keep Himself from over-doing it. And the reason I try to be better, is because if I push for that level of play it won’t be a positive experience for either of us.

This is one perfect example of how He completes a part of me… Yin and Yang. Light and Dark. Dominance and Submission.

Now let me say, I have bipolar depression, anxiety, PTSD… I know the mental health ramifications of BDSM play. I know that because of these things, the level of intensity that Sir and I exude when we scene will have an impact on my mental health and emotional state. It is a struggle to try to anticipate when drops will come and how to deal with them. And that goes for Sir too. Does it kind of suck to have to “plan” the more intense things around when we have time to deal with dropping? Yes. But neither of us can handle a mental breakdown, and we have too much going on in our lives to just check out. We have to have a level of responsibility to each other, to keep each other healthy and safe. It’s something I’m not used to experiencing from my partners. I’m glad it’s Him.

So now it’s Sunday evening, and it will soon be time for dinner with fam… I am going to enjoy the company of those I love, and reflect on the fact that while my life is not perfect, this part of it could not be better.



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