On poly…

I believe that it is possible to love more than one person at a time, and be in healthy, productive, and happy relationships with them. I mean, I do that now. Z is married to a wonderful woman that I have grown to love and treasure. We live together. We spend a lot of time together.

But since Z and I started dating and developing our M/s relationship, there hasn’t been anyone else for either of us.

In the past 11 months, I’ve learned what it feels like to be truly loved and cared for. I’ve learned what it’s like to have a partner with a matching libido AND matching DESIRE. Like, I *never* doubt that He wants me. It’s just a fact.

And I’ve learned that I love sharing our kink life and relationship. I want people to see that it’s possible, how it can be done, and maybe get off on it. We both do. We are also two of the most hedonistic people you may ever meet, and so we want to be able to experience things with other people.

And here’s where I struggle. Could it be because I finally found my everything, and now I don’t want to share? I don’t want to be like that. We have a dynamic, but in our relationship we are equal. And we both want to be okay with the other playing, and eventually being in a relationship if it arises. But insecurity and jealousy are two very real things in poly. Hell, in life.

Being able to recognize the jealousy for what it is, has become my greatest life skill. One day, I’ll be able to keep the initial reaction off my face (ha!) or out of my mouth. But until then, we’re working on it.

Yes, I said we. He helps me remember that my collar is as significant as a wedding ring. And He reminds me that I have a place and a priority in His life.

So we negotiate. We discuss what we’re okay with right now. We discuss what we want to be comfortable with but aren’t quite there yet. It’s hard. I cry, a lot. And He comforts, listens, and holds me.

And don’t think it’s just me who struggles. He does too. And I help Him through it. We set goals. We do A LOT of emotional work. We’re both very emotional and passionate individuals. We feel everything 10000x more intensely than most people.

Our life is not always rainbows and butterflies. Above all, we are human; But we keep communicating and discussing. I’ve never talked about my relationship with my partner as much as I do with Him. But I will say this.

It. Fucking. Works.

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A Peek into my Poly Life

The night that I met Him, we went from a munch back to His place to hang out. He introduced me to L. To say I was nervous would be an understatement – especially given the intensity of my growing feelings for Him.

Would she like me? What if she didn’t? Would we have anything in common?

Two days later I was there again, and I experienced the most intense subdrop up to that point. I also realized I was falling in love with Him. All of those emotions overtook me. I cried. Ugly cried.

Sir was incredible. But eventually He asked me if I wanted to talk to L. I was so scared! I have had very limited exposure to poly life. And it was mostly all theoretical… I had no idea what to expect. But she calmed me down. It was a wonderful moment. One I cherish.

*fastforward to the present*

I live here now. I have been working on moving my stuff in, little by little over the last month. 3 of my 5 cats are here. The other 2 and my bearded dragon are coming this week probably.

L has been rearranging things, and making space for my desk so that I have an actual place to work. (Let’s face it, someone with depression doesn’t need the temptation of working on a laptop in the bedroom. It’s been bad.) I am incredibly grateful for that.

This afternoon, Sir and I brought back my washer from the apartment because the other one wasn’t working. Then we spent some time hanging out, laughing and just enjoying conversation and each other’s company. Then we talked about where we were putting my desk and my beardie.

Sometimes I can’t believe my life. I’m fortunate to have a wonderful boyfriend in Sir. But I’m even more fortunate to have L in my life as my friend. When Sir does something ridiculous, L and I just look at each other like, “ohhhh man”. Do y’all know how fun that is, to share a moment of connection over a mutual love? It’s awesome. I didn’t think I would ever have a life this full.

=^_^=

Muirnah